Noah's Ark

I believe most of Western culture is familiar with the biblical story of Noah and the ark that God instructed him to build due to the coming of a massive flood of the earth. But what most people don't know about is that there exists a Noah's Ark here in the present day. Deep in the foothills of Wisconsin, in a little town called Wisconsin Dells lies an aquarian paradise. With over 70 acres within its boarders it's billed as the US's largest waterpark. That's right folks. The place to which I am referring is Noah's Ark waterpark "America's largest waterpark".

Now, I know there are a lot of angry Texans out there right now screaming "Your wrong, Nate! Schlitterbahn in New Braunfels, Texas is America's largest waterpark!" And this is what I say to them. While Schlitterbahn has been voted America's BEST waterpark by The Travel Channel, it isn't America's LARGEST waterpark. Schlitterbahn is composed of two parks Schlitterbahn West (40 acres) and Schlitterbahn East (25 acres). Even if you combine these two parks as one, it doesn't beat the 70 acres of Noah's Ark. Not to mention that Noah's Ark has 41 water slides compared to Schlitterbahn's 17.

As my traveling cohorts and myself entered the park, the first question of the day was whether to go barefoot or wear sandals throughout the park. Troi decided to where her flip flops while The Maniac and myself went without. I have to admit that I laughed at her decision, but it would be Troi who would have the last laugh. Little did I know that the entire park is paved with asphalt. And with temperatures reaching 95 degrees that day, I might as well have been walking barefoot on red hot coals all day. A less stubborn man would have gone back to the car and got his sandals. I'd like to meet that man someday.

Instead of recounting the days events, I'll just touch on two particular rides. One of which is my favorite at waterparks...the lazy river. But this one was different than your typical lazy river, this was an Adventure River! But not adventure like "huge rapids and waterfalls", this was adventure like "when you least expect it, we squirt water on you!" Ah, there's nothing like floating peacefully on your back on an inner tube, with the sun's warming rays feeling good on your skin, just barely sinking into a blissful slumber when frigid waters come crashing down on your face and into your nose, causing you to choke into sudden alertness. So then I flipped over and floated on my stomach, at which point the squirting water was more refreshing than suffocating.

The second ride of interest really isn't a ride, it's a pool...a wave pool called "Big Kahuna". I'm not sure why wave pools interest me so much, but I think it may have to do with the mechanics of generating the waves. This particular wave pool was cool because it created two types of waves: long rolling ones (like at the beach) and short choppy ones (like when you are in rough waters). While some like to go out into the deeper portions of the pool, I like to stay where my feet still touch the bottom. That's because while I can swim, I don't float. I have the buoyancy of a cinder block. When I tell this to most people, they don't believe me. They say that all people float and it's because I'm nervous that I sink. As if the specific gravity of an individual changes based on the emotional state he or she is experiencing at the time he or she enters the water. Come on.

Well, it's been a week now and I'm still thinking about the fun time I had at this waterpark. I need another event to occupy my everyday thoughts and quick. How many weeks is it until college football begins?